Tuesday, November 26, 2013

You win some, you lose some and then there are those that can't make up their mind

Song(s) - 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin" by The Righteous Brothers and 'Don't Turn Around' by Ace of Base

It's no surprise to my close friends that Mr. Potential and I broke up.This blog post has been 2 months in the making because 1. I couldn't bring myself to announce that it was over and 2. Ever since I had come to the decision to no longer blog about my feelings and instead share them with Mr. Potential himself, it kind of felt weird to write about it.But, since we're not really talking anymore here it goes.

We reached the 1 year mark without pomp or circumstance.Our weekend anniversary plans were marred with a death in his family, which led to him going out of town, so we never even got to celebrate it.By the time he got back, he had completely shut down and shut me out, and a week later we agreed we should take a break.It was amicable and agreed upon by both parties, but when out of the blue a relationship just ends-yeah, it was hard for me to take.I was under the impression our commitment to each other was stronger than the depression he sank into, the custody battle he was fighting, and the stressful workload he was enduring.But that's me.I'm a fighter for what I believe in, and will endure difficulties head-on for the person I love-regardless of how hard things may get.And to know that he wasn't as committed to our relationship (and me) in that regard was really a sucker-punch to the heart.

In our last phone conversation a couple of weeks after the break, he said his intention was to get his head straight and that he hadn't made it an official break up because he eventually wanted to try again, but yet he was giving me space to get over him if I needed/chose to.My intention was to wait for him to get his head straight because I wasn't done either.But coupled with the fact that I am not the type of girl who sits around and waits for a guy to get his shit straight (either you want me or you don't-but don't string me along for a 'just in case' scenario-been there, done that, learned my lesson), and the fact he actually got mad at me for being honest with him when I immediately told him Mr. X had contacted me again wanting another chance (why are you getting mad when you clearly look like you're removing your own feelings for me?!), and that he deemed it 'inappropriate' to accompany me to my company Christmas party when all I wanted was a chance to hang out as friends that was not quite so intimate on a one-to-one scale-I'd had enough and officially ended things.You don't want me as a girlfriend? Fine.You want to still be friends? Fine.When I try to be friends and invite you somewhere and you deem it inappropriate? Not fine.

We had never talked about if either of us had thought about seeing other people during our break.I guess we both assumed we wouldn't since we wanted to eventually get back together.I felt guilty for talking to Mr. X, so I told him about it.And while I didn't tell him about it as flaunting 'we should get back together because this will make you jealous', part of me told him because I just wanted him to feel something for me again.To feel that he didn't have me on a string for when he was ready.To feel a sense of loss that he might lose me to someone else.I had no intention of getting back together anytime soon-I knew he still wasn't ready.But I needed him to know I always have the option of moving on because you can't 'have' me, unless you prove that you deserve me.I guess really I just wanted him to make an effort on the friend level because he hadn't initiated contact since our break.I needed to know he still cared, because although his words in a phone conversation said he did, his actions were telling me otherwise.

In all honesty, a break is a crushing weight of unknown.What happens if you spend all that time anticipating getting back together, but then one person decides they just don't want to?You just wasted so much time being connected to someone without even actually being with that person.It's easier just to make a clean break, go about your business, and if somewhere down the road you still have an interest, then pursue it.What is meant to be is going to happen, breaking up is not the end of the world and can be mended if it's meant to be.Let each other go.I could use so many cliches here.But my point is, give each other the option of moving on freely.Everyone deserves to be happy, even if it's not with you.
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