Saturday, November 16, 2013

How to be Unhappy: Earth: Nature/Going Outside

Rain: The pitter-patter of the rain is strangely comforting, while the unnoticed rising water level in your basement is not.Your flowers are being watered, along with your downstairs carpet.Tornadoes are dangerous and make the fact that you tidied up your family room earlier today irrelevant.

On a similar note, rain is an involuntary shower.It's God's nourishing tear and Satan's spit, urine, and sweat all combined.When Satan is making it rain, the rain is heavier, and it comes down in sheets so much that despite your windshield wipers, you can't see a car's length in front of you. You grip the steering wheel with white knuckles., and you lean towards the windshield as if it will help your vision.Whether you end up in an accident basically depends on chance. The rain that soaks you to the skin, soaks everything in your backpack including your laptop, puddles that soak your shoes, drenched streets,overflowed basements, and rivers sweeping everything away are the direct result of Satan.The rain that nurtures the ground is God's doing.The pleasant drizzle on a bright, sunny day and the regular showers that supports life are God's doing. With God, the moment you decide to water the garden, it rains.Yes!!!

Little dogs:Uneven ground is both a pain in your butt and a pain in your legs.Furthermore, sooner or later in your short life you are going to be walking along the sidewalk when all of a sudden yipping, yapping, rambunctious little terriers or

Chihuahuas will hunt you down and maul you, or at least nip at yourankles.You want to kick them, but they're too cute to kick, and you don't want to be known as the neighborhood dog-kicker.Your only recourse is to jump onto something they can't reach (like the hood of a car)until the owner gains control of the tiny, furry hyperactive balls of psychotic energy.This will be one of the many low points in your life that you will not tell your friends about.

Snakes: Another reason to never step outdoor is...snakes!Why go outside where you may be snake-attacked!The vile, sleek, slithery, reptilian reptiles await motionless for an unsuspecting, perfectly happy person to walk by so that it can ruinyour day or even your life. Have you seen "Snakes on a Plan?"Samuel L. Jackson is badass!OMG!Way to lay the smack down on those mother****in' snakes!But alas!We cannot all be Samuel L. Jackson in a scripted situation using fake snakes.While other vicious animals look adorable, snakes look evil with their beady little eyes and their slithery, dark bodies and most importantly, their reputation as being the reason humans were kicked out of paradise.****ing snakes.

Asteroids:Think about all the asteroidsthat might hit you.Think of how you'd never see it coming, and in one catastrophic instant, you would be annihilated!Hey, you never know.You just never know.This is why you need a fortified shelter, which will probably not help but hey, maybe.On the other hand, don't forget the possibility of winning the lottery!You could win several lotteries back to back.Cool! And then ride a unicorn off into the sunset with your trusty cat beside you.Wind:Wind is God's sigh and Satan's flatulence.Both are trying to make you fall down and cause branches to attack you just so they can laugh.(Satan and even God are always looking for a laugh.)Wind is a bitch slap in the face by air.Wind is designed to make newscasters reporting from the heart of the storm look ridiculous as they're tossed around by the wind.(God and Satan are HUGE Al Roker fans.)It's always reassuring when you're driving a minivan and you can feel the wind rocking your car.Besides minivans, wind is the natural enemy of perfectly coiffed hair. Hair has a tendency to blow across one's face and whip around in the wind.It makes it hard to see, and it is also embarrassing when entering a building with a bird's nest on your head.

Sunshine:Sunshine will burn your skin off, but on the plus side, we all look cool in sunglasses.Sunshine will make you (especially when deathly pale like me) melt away like the Nazi in Indiana Jones.Be careful!When I was on the tennis team in high school, I often peeled layers of translucent skin off my oozing back and shoulders.Sunshine also means heat.Heat means unpleasant amounts of sweat and heat-induced dizziness.(Football players even die, and they're dressed in spandex!That's a very breathable fabric.)Walking around with sweat stains on your shirt is always a little bit of an embarrassment.It means you're out of shape and need a scooter.I hate showing up at class with a ring of sweat around my neck.

Cold:I discussed heat recently, but now it's time for a discussion about the cold.Humans were obviously not bred to naturally deal with cold weather.We are no longer hairy Cro-Magnons.We must oppose thewarm natural habitat of humans by wearing warm clothes and creating a fire.With the summer, all you need is a loin cloth for modesty and a nice water source nearby.Just remember--you get gangrene from cold weather, not hot weather.Even our cars are ill-equipped for snowy weather.Last time I was in a car in a snowstorm, I basically drove in a series of slides.It was HORRIFYING.

Gardening: The more expensive the plant, the sooner it will die, and the harder and more painful its death will be to the gardener.Gardening exposes you to creepy, crawly insects.Bugs!!!Everyday you must carefully tend to your plants. However, in the end, the ironic part is that anything you grow in your garden can be found inexpensively at the supermarket.Perhaps the worst part of gardening is weeding.It's incredibly monotonous and in the end you're not sure if you're pulling out your baby plants or weeds.I am usually left with a barren dirt patch when I'm done weeding.Uh oh!Gardening is also a favorite pastime of old ladies.It's just an observation.

Choose from a unfortunate occurrence when gardening:

~The plants are underwatered.

~The plants are overwatered.

~Bugs ate all the leaves.

~Rodents ate the bark

~Plants accidentally stepped on

~Dog pissed on the plants

~My plant turns out to be a weed.

~Catastrophic events--tornado, earthquake monsoon, hurricane, etc.

Another bad thing about gardening is that it NEVER ENDS!!!In the fall you rake leaves, in the winter you worry about everything dying and shovel snow, in the spring you plant things , and in the summer you mulch and weed.Sure, during winter you don't have to do much, but you can't enjoy the result of your gardening either.It's just a vast snow scape.

Camping: In camping you renounce all technological advancements and return to your roots.This seems like a bad idea.We have flushable toilets, but why use these when we can use outhouses?Why eat pizza when you can eat beans out of tin cans?Why live in a controlled heated environment when you can huddle near the fire freezing your butt off?Bring your dog so s/he can be cold, too.Walk around in the forest and call it fun.You're even walking in giant circles when traversing camp trails, which seems kind of silly.You're supposed to walk to get somewhere, not for "nature enjoyment."We live in houses to avoid the environment and dirt and creepy crawlers, so calling living outside in the presence of all these things for a couple of days a "fun family vacation" is just ironic.Furthermore, sometimes you'll come to a point where the path forks, and you don't know which one is the right path and which is some sort of animal trail.Wrong choice, and they may be sending out a search party for you after you've been lost for three days and cannot successfully use any of Bear Grylls recommendations.

Another bad aspect of camping is ax murderers.If you watch enough TV episodes specializing in horrendous murders, you'll come across several TV episodes where crazy people slaughter happy campers with an ax and then disappears in to the woods to murder another day.Not good.The other violent aspect of camping is...bears.I have developed a healthy fear of bears thanks to Stephen Colbert.Bears are godless killing machines.They come for the food and leave with your head.

Fishing:Fishing is a lot like gardening--you can buy it cheaper in the store.Fishhooks are great for catching in your clothes after a pathetic attempt at casting, and after you finally get your fishhook in the water, you wait...and wait...and wait.I have been fishing several times but have never caught nor seen a fish.Some may say that fishing is not just for catching fish because it is a social activity, too, full of awkward silences and beer. Well, I say it's just about as social as sitting in a room somewhere with your friends and downing beers, also.
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