It's been a long time since I've been around, more than a month actually. In that time a lot has changed around here, some things were long needed necessary changes, some other were just life doing her shit.
So since the last time I was here, I finally kicked someone I really didn't need out of my life. Have you ever meet that kind of people that could use a 'Manners 101' class? That were never taught that everyone deserves to be treated like the human being they are, even if we don't like them. You say good morning to anyone you find in the bathroom, regardless of the fact that you may not know them nor like them. Well, life lesson learned, disregarding your feelings or relationship with the person, you can never undo whatever was or wasn't taught to them when they were growing up. I'm not saying they'll never change but maybe it won't be you the life changing person or event that's meant for that purpose. This just made me glad for the up-bringing my parents gave me.
Also almost three weeks ago I had TOPIK exam all over again, only this time I wasn't prepared. Never in my life had I felt like such a failure, I was not even close to being ready to take this exam and the only one to blame was me, I spent more time stressing about it than actually studying. After taking it I felt both relieved because it was over and disappointed because I had't given it my all, not in the 2 months I had to prepare for it nor on the 3 hours it took me to fill it out. This never happened to me back home, I used to be a different person back then, it seems. Because still after 8 months here I haven't found that little something that made me "ME" back in high school. I know, I know that college is not the same, but I'm worried that I'll end up being a mediocre student and then a mediocre human being, always saying "it's alright, at least I passed".
After TOPIK I had my mid terms which went over okay, got an average of around 86, which is a B. I guess is not that bad, but again I was left with that bittersweet taste in my mouth and the little voice in my head saying "you could've done better". I'm never getting used to that feeling, it's not something I'm looking forward to, so I know that I need to change the way I'm doing things, whether it's easy or not, I now understand that it needs to be done.
Also I received love and affection from back home twice, lucky me that panamanians keep coming to Korea, I love it. Both times I cried, every time my parents or friends write me a letter, it feels as if I'm speaking face to face with them, a beautiful magic lost in text messages. My dad says that writing letters is an art lost to our generation, and you can not begin to imagine how much I wish it wasn't, not that I'm not grateful that I get to speak to my mom twice a day when I get up and before I go to bed, that's how I survive. But I don't know, letters have something, that little special sentiment that makes people sit down and take the time to try to express how they feel with words, it's quite unique if you think about it. Anyhow in all their letters, my parents asked me to please calm down and try and be happy, I promised I'd give it a try, but between you and I, I don't know how well it's going.
Stress is my everyday disease, I joke about it and say I have chronic stress, but it's really no joke. Here I've learned that I don't deal well with hard times, and It scares me how clouded and dark my head gets at those times. I'm not saying that I become suicidal or anything, but some mornings the only motivation I have to get out of bed is that after 4 hours of class I can get back and sleep the day off. It's not easy to deal with that kind of thing on your own, in 18 years I never learned how and now it's either learning or probably buying myself a one way ticket to go home without telling my parents. I guess we'll see how it goes along the way.
I've been wanting to write for a while because the last time I was feeling down I felt something I really didn't think I could explain. But I guess explaining a broken heart is kind of hard, it's even harder when you keep picking up pieces and it keeps breaking. It's like crazy gluing a thousand small pieces together. That's why it cannot even be called heartbreak, I guess it'd be more like heartache, the constant pull toward the people you love and love you back and even toward some that don't anymore. That's the hardest feeling to put into words, heartache. How do you explain to someone else how you feel when you can't even explain it to yourself?
I guess the best way to explain it is by telling you what I'd do about it if I could. I'd take back some things. Things I did and said back home that I wish I hadn't done, not because I regret them, no, just because they would make this whole "missing" deal a lot easier. I want to take back half the "I love you"s cause they were not as heart felt as the others. I want to take back every time I said sarcastic comments to hurt your feelings instead of telling you you'd hurt mine. I want to take back all the ice cream we ate together. I want to take back every time I screamed at you because our arguments would've ended anyway. I want to take away that one time I told you I didn't want to leave and you told me I had to cause it was my dream. I want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide now whether to tell them to you again. I want to take back so many things, but must of all I want to take back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss it. I want to take back at least half the "I love you"s, because it feels safer that way.
That's all I want, safety. Not really physical safety but emotional safety. Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as a family size $19.95 ice cream at Baskin Robbins, covered with chocolate fudge and cream. Thirteen hundred calories, more than seven hundred of which are fat calories, but the ice cream only dulls the pain momentarily, there's the carb fog while you're sitting alone in the store full of happy families and couples eating ice cream, and then it's over and you feel, I don't know... used. Like a cheap client seduced and abandoned by Baskin Robbins, leaving you with sticky fingers and an empty cup and still in the mid of an incurable heartache, except now you're mad at the ice cream, too.
So were do you find better safety than ice cream? A most permanent one preferably. What happens when you try your best but you don't succeed, what if I got what I wanted but it's not what I need. What happens if I go back and they say "Love fades. Mine has". Where do I find safety then? Back here, it's really nowhere to be found, or maybe it's stubborn me being stubborn about it, maybe. Life is full of maybe's and if you let yourself you can 'maybe' yourself back to Adam and Eve and the serpent, that's why they are so damn dangerous. Maybe, the word that can even make you doubt your name, and the date and everything you stand for if you're not careful enough. The more maybe's I put in my mind, the more damaged I feel.
But since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can't scape that damage. But know, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other. Because sometimes life really sucks, but you know what I'm holding on for? The moments that don't suck. The trick is to notice them when they come around. They say God only gives you the battles you can fight, well I just hope whoever said it is right.
Ana Mel
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