Friday, November 8, 2013

Twins from Hell

Me and Rachel are terrible daughters. Even though we are brilliant friends/employees/people/girlfriends (looool) we always seem to find a way to annoy Leanne G and Stuart D. Some people may think we are an only child because of the way we behave (yes, as a collective we are one child) (how old are you when you're no longer a child?) and with just under 7 months til our 23rd birthday you'd think maybe we'd have grown up and become more independent than we are (ie. not independent at all.)

Typical quotes from people who don't have twins/aren't twins-

"Buy one get one free!" - this is not true. We expect to pay half and demand double in return.

"Double trouble"- you're right, we're terrible people. Especially when we're together. Which is all the time.

Our parents refer to us as the Twins From Hell which was a nickname obtained presumably from conception. Would you ever a cell that multiples and determine it a good thing? Surely that's how disease spreads? TERMINAL diseases? Introducing ... Finch Virus. Going global. (Developed from "Finch Mania" circa CRGS sixth form 07-09)

I'm not sure the purpose of this post, perhaps a back log on our childhood that may explain a few things about the children/teenagers that we have developed into (mentally we're still 17, but even at 17 I was mentally 15 so you work it it.) Unless you're a twin you don't GET IT. Maybe this should be in a formOf a letter?

Dear M&D,

Here is a photograph of us as babies to remind you how cute/thin we were/are. Hopefully these memories will melt all your anger away. Baby Lauren/Rachel (can't tell) grasping Mum/Dad/Strangers finger is to symbolise our perpetual need for your love, attention, and money. (Ps love the acid denim sleeve the finger is coming out of, anyone know if it's wear abouts?)


So as children we decided to make our lack of a dog/cat/normal pet by harassing our animals with games that they 100% weren't interested in cooperating with. Which was fun for us and in some instances deadly for them.


As mentioned above Sam died following a bathing incident through hyperthermia/drowning induced by dunking him into a pot of water by its ears

^ Two sweet children who may/may not have drowned their rabbit


Two dwarf rabbits that died within about 2 months of each other. Leanne G caught *someone* (us) pushing them down the slide that was in our garden


A rabbit that we decided to let loose in the front garden when we got bored that subsequently ended up scratching at the back door like a dog. Weird.


A disgusting fat, blind, albino rabbit that seemed to live forever. Genuinely raped our two new babies rabbits (Misty & Honey)

Misty and Honey

Two baby rabbits we bought, got bored of, they escaped one was found dead on the road 1 week later and the other lived randomly lived in our garden for a year without a hutch (or food)


We were bought tens of nameless lizards which all mysteriously died until we were bought a leopard gheko that we named Bagpuss. If you've never owned a lizard,they are the most BORING pets ever. During his many years with us he was subjected to running through mazes we set up in our room. Lizards don't tend to run through mazes so one way we got him to move was to squeeze his tail.Another of our/Bagpuss favourite games was to force feed him apple/cheese/ham by opening his mouth and wedging food in there until he swallowed it.

By aged 8 you may remember we had decided it was imperative for our garden to have a Wendy house. We went to look around small shed like huts until we found the one we wanted- a Hansel and Gretal type house that had an upstairs. Why did you buy us a Wendy house with an upstairs? Do you realise 8 year old children would prefer to play in the box it came in? Better yet why when we demanded it be like a real house did you actually have a carpet fitter come and fit carpet into it, and then install lights in there? Why would you allow us to bully you into this?

Interior design was clearly still on the mind at 13 when we decided we were too old to share a room (growing up, need own space, having fellas over- oops sorry) so of course we got a loft conversation. 10 years on our rooms still feature double doors that connect our bedrooms that we insisted on.. What is doesn't feature is the cream carpet that we DEMANDED we had ("no you'll ruin it" "we're having one" "no you're not" "erm yes. We are.") before it got ruined by makeup/general grime within 3 weeks of us having it and you having to spend a few more EUREUREUR getting a brand new dark blue carpet .. So even if we stained it it wouldn't show up. WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP THERE??????

I'm aware our childhood screamsADHD, which is why I'll move onto being a teenager of 17. I know you're lucky to get a car when you're learning to drive so we thought we would be kind to our parents and decide to share a car. We insisted we chose the car. And colour.Which resulted in this being bought.

Again... Not 100% sensible economically, plus we live in Blackburn where it rains 99% of the time but so what? Convertibles are a necessity. Ps. This car is now absolutely vile on the inside, hasn't been cleaned since 2009 and has just had the mould jet sprayed off the roof.

Linking back to our beloved pets and belied car.. What did you possibly think when we rocked up at home aged 19 with a hutch and two NEW rabbits hanging out the back of the Beetle? Why didn't you kick us out? Did it not alarm you that we named one "Madame Bun Bun" ?? Why haven't we been sectioned yet?????? Eventually we got bored and gave them away. You rewarded us by taking us to Florida. Why would you take two 18 year old girls with ADHD to Disney World?????

Over the next few years we went through several phases, mainly fueled by our psychotic broken hearts. We picked up and changed various universities, eating disorders, jobs, boyfriends, hair colours and you picked up the pieces (and paid for our weaves)

You allowed us to run away from our problems to a month in Ibiza which you kindly funded, and we repaid you in getting our faces and other unknown places pierced (lol joke) (lol not joking)

Which brings us to our current state.. Of COURSE were randomly backpacking around Asia, why WOULDN'T we have any money left, we DEFINITELY have a flight to Sydney tomorrow with no clue where we're going but of course our angels sent from heaven are here to help.

Love ya forevs.. L&R. Ps. This blog post is 100% thanking you for being such cute and wonderful parents but also 200% blaming you for our lack of respect for money and our belongings. Why didn't you send us to naughty school/boarding school????

Pps. The pictures of us throughout childhood are supposed to be subliminally lifting your spirits about giving birth to two irresponsible/cute girls and forgiving us for being so unappreciative and needy. But we forgive you for making us this way xoxoxoxoxo
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