I've been having a seriously tough time lately. I know nobody reads these things, so I reckon it's safe to post about it here.
So I had yet another bereavement last week. I am somewhere between angry and sad. Depression has decided that it would be an excellent time to take hold of me, as well. So everything is a tad sucky. I also am alone this weekend, as Sir has work, so I have to power through alone. I am staying aware of my mental health and keeping my self safe, which is exhausting but I guess it's worth it?
I got pet fish last week though. They've cheered me up a bit. It's still tough though.
Sir and I had another kinkster over last night, for Halloween. He's a mutual friend, and just amazing. I know Sir worries that I have a crush on him, but I don't think I do, there's just slightly complicated feelings going on, but platonic ones. Like, if Sir is the Owner on the other end of my leash, then T is a littermate - a kindred spirit and just another pup I can snuggle. Yes, we'll nip at each other and cuddle and curl together, but it's platonic, and frankly adorable. The interesting thing about T though is he makes me feel entirely comfortable and open. I can literally blurt out anything if he's around. It's kind of scary because I have never had that sort of friendship with anyone else in the world (I will admit, even with Sir I will worry massively before telling him something).
I believe I mentioned gender issues in my last post. These are mostly resolved now. Basically, every so often my head will go "NO YOU ARE A BOY" and I will curl up in a dysphoric ball and cry over my body parts and feel sick when people use she/her/herself pronouns. I ended up discussing this with Sir, and he said it was ok, and bought me a binder. A week or two later, he got pissed at me, as he'd ask which gender I felt like each day, and he would not accept non-binary answers. Apparently I have to be a girl or a boy. Nothing else. As the dysphoria's gone back to the hole from whence it came, I have decided not to push the matter and just present as female consistently, even though his attitude pisses me off to sky-high levels. It's not a battle that's worth fighting right now, so though it is painful, I'll just have to suppress it for now.
My AB/DL interests have evolved further. I believe at time of last writing I was already learning about this aspect of myself. Even though it probably squicks people, as I said, no one reads this, so I'm just gonna ramble. I've found I'm rather fond of pull-up diapers, so I have a small stash of DryNites now, but don't use them all that often. Particularly in the last few weeks, I've been trying to suppress my little tendencies, as I feel as though I'm seriously weird for them. I know I'll pick it up again shortly. I've tried to suppress every kink I've had, and they never go away. Now I just aim for keeping myself minimally satiated by myself for the things I don't like sharing. Like, Sir isn't comfortable at all with anal things, so I try to take care of that alone when the urge arises.
I've been trying to improve my obedience, and do stuff like making meals and tidying up more frequently, but my bitchy nature keeps getting in the way. I know that when I'm tasked with something that Sir could easily do himself I should swallow the urge to say so and just do it, but I just feel so full of anger lately that I can't suppress that. There is what I want to be, and what I am. What I'd like to be is a quiet, cute maid who does as she's told, cleans, cooks and generally looks after Sir for all the daily monotonous things. Then there's what I am, which is mouthy and feisty and angry, and I can't complete these tasks for myself, let alone someone else.
I can never work out whether my inability to complete these tasks for myself is due to disability or laziness. Sir seems to think the latter. I genuinely do not remember to do a lot of things, I don't have the attention span to actually complete things when I do start a task, and everything is exhausting. I know the cheese is meant to go back in the fridge after making sandwiches, I know that is a fact and it needs doing, but if I make a sandwich then I don't make the connection, or I will eat the sandwich and do something else without clocking that the cheese has not been returned to the fridge. I don't personally feel I am doing it on purpose, but the way I get told off when I don't complete things properly suggests that it is my fault. And it's frustrating because I don't know how to resolve this problem, but I know if I don't resolve it I will never be who I want to be.
I think I would like to write essays at some point. There are prompts on Submissive Guide that look quite good. I'd like to learn about myself and what I want.
At the moment though, I just feel like I want too much. I am draining my Sir out - he has no personal interest in any of my kinks, so he gains nothing from performing them for me, other than a squirmy puppy. And then I just feel bad, because I know I need to perform for him more. He only likes online RP and furries exclusively, and there is nothing I can do irl for him, so I start to question myself. Like, it feels like there is something wrong with me, if I can't please my partner in real life without talking about something other than the act at hand. Even though it's been drilled into me that I am a good partner and enjoyable and whatever, I feel like I am lacking something if I have to describe someone else to get him off. Maybe I am too self-absorbed, maybe I should just enjoy pleasing him, no matter what the means. That is my purpose, isn't it, to please him?
I find it particularly distressing that he finds it hot to excite me, no matter what the means. Obviously it's not as good as fulfilling his kink, but it's better than nothing, and it's better than my reaction to pleasing him. Maybe I am a fraud? After all, my "Sir" appears to be a better submissive than me. I feel like this collar is a lie, something that should only be given to those who truly are submissive, rather than this bad girl who just gets off on getting what she likes.
I can't work myself out. There is nothing more earth-shatteringly satisfying than getting him off through fucking. I don't come when we have sex, and I actually enjoy it more because I don't. Because then I can fully appreciate him enjoying it. That in itself is better than orgasm.
But why don't I get the same satisfaction from RPing for him, or discussing his kinks? It's the same end result, but I just don't feel as interested. Am I locked out by some huge level of selfishness - if I'm not involved, it's no good anymore? But then, I'd get the same satisfaction if he came through jerking off with no context attached.
Maybe I am envious. Of the pretty furry girls, always with huge tits and often with huge cocks. I can't be that. I'll never be that. It is physically impossible for me to become a cute anthro dog girl with a cock. Fact.
I can become one through RP and imagination I suppose, but that's a different character I am playing, not me. I am meant to absorb the character as part of myself, and thus consider myself as being the reason for Sir's pleasure. But it's not me. It's a different personality, a different manner of speaking, a different being entirely. I am acting a part, but I am not that part. Similarly, I can indulge in puppy play all I like, but I will never be a bio-dog. And I would say that me during puppy play is a hell of a lot closer to myself than the characters I RP as, as puppy is just a different aspect of me. RP characters are entirely fictitious, and separate to myself.
I love him regardless, of course. This isn't a problem with him, it's a problem within me, evidenced by all the other play partners he's had with no objection to RPing for him. I'm the first one with an issue, so I'm the one with a problem here. I need to fix it, but I don't know how. I try as hard as I can to please, but it's not comfortable for me. It's rarely enjoyable. I know I am meant to enjoy it, as that's one of the most important aspects for him.
I know I will get a bollocking for this post. I spoke too much, and I will be told off for it. I'm trying to process my thinking, but it's hard and stressful and I'm complex and broken.
I hope Sir doesn't see this.
I am going to go cry now. I feel awful.
I just. Words. Sorry.