Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I know a place where no one's lost. I know a place where no one cries. Crying at all is not allowed. Not in my castle on a cloud.

O mon dieu what a delightful day!!!!

I wasn't going to post at all this weekend, but today was so busy and tomorrow will be so busy as well and somewhere in there I have to set my flat back to rights... and it was delightful!!!

Firstly, I didn't sleep. not because I was angsty or couldn't when I laid down and tried, but simply because I never got tired. I mean, I OUGHT to have, but I didn't and as there was nobody waiting for me in bed when I finished my book I was reading at 6am, I shrugged my shoulders and decided to just start the next day and make up for it tonight. (Only I'm not in the least tired tonight either....)

Instead of sleeping, I made breakfast (coffee and 3 eggs over easy with sriracha on them and 4 cloves worth of garlic chips on the side. I thought about cooking up some of the kale starting to get wilty or making Mediterranean style potatoes, but decided since I was having lunch at noon that I'd do that another day.)Then I showered. And then I baked cookies. And then I got everything easily moveable in my sitting room moved and took all the stemware and liquor out of the liquor cabinet so I could re-arrange to welcome my new bookshelf.

O and have I shown you pictures of my new bookshelf?!?! It's in need of some work (the wood needs refinishing) but it's real mahogany with glass doors that have a picture book almost tree root/branch effect rounding the corners!It's straight up Narnia! I'm going to clean it tonight to take care of the slight mold spores inside it (all surface) and then see if bringing it inside will help with some of the swelling of the wood.best of all, it was entirely free on the curb. I cannot imagine why anyone would just curbside something so lovely.... but someone did -- and now it is mine! Such a lovely bookcase it is!

I have lots of these projects, like refinishing tables, that I always put off for "some day." Let's not even talk about the fact I still need to call a plumber to reseat the toilet properly and replace a small little part in my master bathroom and then I need to drywall the hole my uncle cut in the wall so we could try to identify the leak....basically, I've decided that I need a man who actually LIKES taking on these sorts of projects. He can fix the broken things I make do with, and I'll keep everything clean because I dislike schmeg on things. I'll help, I LIKE those sorts of projects, I just have a lot of other things that fascinate me and demand my time -- so if you leave it for me to decide to do it, it will remain a "someday" project because I can make do with how it is and I have no sense of the passage of time. So, you set a plan in motion for dealing with these things, and I'll keep things from building up schmeg, and it will all be lovely.yes, I'm quite certain this is something any man I end up with needs to be keen about, fixing up the house and the things that need refinishing, etc. I'll help and thoroughly enjoy the project, but it won't set a fire under me to get it done.

Oh, and I also invented a new cookie this morning, just playing around because I felt like it. I made a full batch of regular Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies (there's no better chocolate chip cookie recipe -- you can use better chocolate, but those ratios are golden!) And then I made a half batch (from that dough base) of brownie raspberry double chip (white and semi-sweet) cookies. This may be one of my best cookie inventions yet!!! (And I say that having created High Octane Death by Chocolate Cookies, but those are such a caffeine and sugar rush they're only for special occasions when you need to stay awake like an owl. Even better than the various kooky flavored hammantaschen! Which reminds me I had a request for those and need to bake some more.... And I still haven't played with either my perfect snickerdoodle or sea salt caramel snickerdoodle recipes to tweak them. bad Dani. But I got distracted. because life. And a lack of powdered milk in my patisserie cabinet, lol.)Anyway, everyone who tried them agreed that the raspberry brownie ones were amazing -- and I know the ratio of raspberry extract, but I'll have to play to figure out what the cocoa powder ratio was.... Because I just added it until it looked/tasted right. Why measure when you're making it up as you go along?! (This is how I cook, and it frustrates other people no end when they wish to reproduce my cooking because there is no recipe -- it's all just gut instinct adjusted by flavor and smells.)When I'm experimenting, I only bake by half recipes or smaller, just in case it's bad. But all my favorites come from baking.

Anyway, I have about four more raspberry brownie double chip cookies left because I gave the rest away. (I've only eaten one thus far myself.)But I'll finish up the regular chocolate chip cookies (which are quite good) before I start playing with this new recipe some more.I thinking I almost want to try putting some seedless raspberry jam in the center at some point.... Is that weird? It would give it that gooey decadence of a bonbon but in a cookie.... I suppose I could just put the Hershey's raspberry filled treasures in if they still make them. but real jam would be better. And seedless would appeal more to other people....

Well, so then I met up with Michelle for lunch at La Mestiza. (I had a coupon for free guacamole with two lunch entrees. So free quac AND I had chicken mole enchiladas. They're really wonderful, and their salsas which are made in house are ridiculously good!!

And so we talked about her upcoming wedding in July. And Nick really wants to have a bridal party, so she agreed and asked me today if I'd been it. She was so cute about it like she expected a refusal because it's a hassle. And she said she doesn't want anyone to feel they HAVE to do it.She already has the bridesmaid dresses picked out and is thinking of buying one for herself as well as they're only $100 and they're a classic line to make a wonderful date dress and the color she picked is peacock (so a turquoise-ish dark blue.) She showed me the picture in her binder of ideas for the wedding. Truth be told, I could probably change my accessories and re-use it for both Amber and Monica's weddings as just a guest since there are no mutual friends between the three groups, lol.Only if I get too lazy to go summer dress shopping. (I have so much clothing it's ridiculous.... The styles of clothes I gravitate to are timeless in either a chic Parisian Audrey Hepburn classic way or in a bohemian way or in a "damn hippie!" waySo I have lots of clothing, but I never go shopping. I think my current oldest piece, other than relegated to pjs is from freshman year of high school. I have a skirt that I've had since the third grade that still fits, but the zipper sticks and needs replacing.

She hasn't actually asked anyone else yet, but nobody she'd be asking reads this -- so mox nix if I mention it. .

Anyway, so, the plan for today was to go shopping at fabric stores and craft stores to start looking for things for her ideas for center pieces and so she can start experimenting. I'm going to spend quite a bit of time with her over the winter watching movies, drinking tea or beer as the mood strikes us, and helping make them, and Crissy too if she wants to come join us. I also had to go to a craft store to get liquid gold leaf and ceramic glue to see if I can make diy kintsukuroi. I HAVE found ktis for actual kintsukuroi, btu the adhesive used is from an incredibly caustic plant and it's pretty fatal for breathing and can cause a lot of damage to your hands if you get any on you.... It's also expensive.... So we'll see if I can make my version of i work for my broken cup and broken teapot. On y voit!

So we spent a couple hours at Jo-Anns just goofing off and lookign for specific things for the wedding, then ran back to my flat so my da and uncle could help me move in the bookshelf (It's light, but bulky and to get to my flat you have to go up a set of stairs.) O, and da tried to help me break into my storage unit, but realized that just smacking the lock with a sledge hammer was going to simply tear the hinge out the lock goes through, like I told him it would.So we took the hinges off the door, removed the plate from its moorings and left the old lock on it until we can come back with a hacksaw. (Which I unfortunately don't have in either my flat or my car. I have cast saws, but no hack saws...) It was a great fun McGyvering father-daughter bonding time -- we even borrowed tools from a random toolbelt lying around the area, lol.

And then we went to Michael's for a couple more hours of craft store wandering. BUT, I got my liquid gold and craft glue. AND I (FINALLY) took in two of my hand-made Mexican birds made out of feathers pictures.I have four, two are smaller against white and two larger against black. The larger ones, the backing has come off, one is missing the glass/has water spots on the matting and the other has mold/mildew spots on the matting. I'm keeping the cheap little frames because they match the other two and soemhow suit the images -- but I finally brought it in to get the matting and glass replaced. I'll be able to pick them up in a couple days.:D(They belonged to my great-great-aunt and my great-grandmother before that.They were some tourist folk art in Mexico that was incredibly popular in the 50s....They're not worth a lot, but I like them and think they're unique. Nobody else ever wanted them, but I like them.) I have four of them from Rene (great-great-aunt Irene)They're basically painted and then the birds are made out of actual feathers.

I have a lot of mixed media art, now that I think about it, lol.

Then I went next door to Cost Plus World Market (as dangerous on my budget as a bookstore) to sue a coupon. BUT I did buy things I need like a new rug for the door. AND I found the curtains I want for my bedroom now that my bed is under it!! They're $35 each and I need two -- but I have two $10 off $30 or more purchases, so that makes them the same price as the cheaper quality not as wonderful ones at Target! :D Provided I can be good when I return there, lol. O, and I bought myself a $30 Moucha pillow from their Glastonbury collection. there was only one left last time I was there just before Bryce's house-warming, and I promised myself if it HAPPENED to be there next time I wen, THEN I could have it, but I couldn't come back just for it. I told myself that the $10 off coupon I had today was applied directly to that so it was only a $20 pillow. ;)

Anyway. Time for dinner. Past time. And then I'm planning to stay home in my pjs and clean/tidy up/move things around to figure out how I want them so I can get things back how they belong in the new order wiht the new arrangement of furniture/art. :D And I think I'll re-watch Les Mis on the projector. (I watch all my movies projected on the wall, no TV, lol.

Tomorrow my plan is to go see How to Tame Your Dragon in 3D for free at 11am with Crissy. Then go to brunch with her. Then go shopping at GAP and Banana Republic (and maybe a couple other places) with my mum since she wants to take me shopping for more clothing. (I'm basically her life size Barbie doll, lol.)then I'll probably hang out with my dog at my parents house eating Chinese food and watching TiVoed figure skating.I'll probably bring my laptop do some editing or something. (IT'S GRAND PRIX SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D Goodness but I adore figure skating!!!!!!! And Meryl and Charlie's free dance is so lovely! But it always is, they're my favorites of all my favorites. Also, genuinely sweet down to earth people!)

Then no plans (other than fitting in hours) until my next gjd session on Wednesday!!O, and going back to Cost Plus a couple times with coupons so I can get the curtains I want for my bedroom. And being good -- no wandering! Just on a mission. Lol. yeah.... I also have to visit used bookstores in search of a specific tenth book in a series I want to start reading, but in the edition to match the others.

O, and in case you're curious. This is why I'm gawky and awkward no matter what you think of the little bit of grace and flexibility I've learned over the years:

I am not Polina Semionova. She's my (living) ideal I strive towards as far as beauty/grace and dance is concerned.I'll never achieve it, I'll never be like unto Polina..... But it's what I strive toward. This is why I'm just gawky and awkward in my own eyes, because I cannot achieve such a piqu e arabesque...... I don't expect you to be able to do it - but if I could achieve that, all the time, then I'd be close enough to let me call me beautiful and graceful.I don't expect to ever get there -- but I'll keep striving for it.

O, I'm not ugly, nor am I as clumsy as I was as a child. (I have my moments though, when I'm inattentive... I nearly took the entire table cloth and everything on it with me as I stood upla Monty Python or Charlie Chaplin at lunch today. true story. Michelle saw it happening and averted it in time. Still not sure how I almost managed it -- but I did....)Sometimes, the mirror tells me that when I don't consider myself more beautiful without any makeup than many a woman is even with it, I'm lying to myself.But I'm no Polina. And the truth is I never will be, though I'll never give up striving for more purity and flexibility and grace for all my life.But it won't stop me working toward the best version of me I can. And I only hope that's enough.

Please don't fall in love with Polina Semionova and forget about me.Polina is only a couple weeks older than me, and she's actually one of the tallest ballerinas in the world, she's even taller than I am and I'm considered too tall for pas de deux... Put pointe shoes on me, and I need someone over 6'1 for me not to tower above him en pointe, lol.But she's what I wish I was, if I'd committed fully to ballet, then I'd have that sort of flexibility. Only I gave it up after my grandfather died. And that was the first great mistake of my life. Only I'd not be me, and you'd never know me as I'd have run away across the world seeking the best balletic perfection.... But Polina is my ballerina idol.And as I'm not her, I'm not beautiful or graceful enough to be considered either.

But I do my best... And while I'm no Polina, I hope that what little beauty and grace I CAN achieve to polish myself up is enough. Please don't fall in love with Polina. I idolize her, as far as an ideal of grace and beauty, and one that I'll never achieve. But I'd rather you loved me just as I am. Even though I'm no Polina....

This is my favorite picture of her, it captures a lot of exactly what it is I strive for, and the sense of stillness which is as much a part of a ballerina as the movement.

*sigh* But she works damn hard for it, and I'm too f e and adventurous mercurial to devote myself fully to that perfection it requires.But I will. In another life. For now, I do my best to strive TOWARD it, without sacrificing too many of the pleasureable distractions and joys along the way.

But she's the one you should put up on a pedestal. not me. I mean, just look at her. (only, save some room in your heart for imperfect little me, please? And maybe, if I WERE as perfect as Polina, I'd be even harder to love than I am now -- I've been told guys who like me finding me intimidating. Which is all sorts of crazy, I can't imagine why. But perhaps it would be even more difficult for them if I were more perfect. More like Polina. Physically and balletically -- I know nothing of her mind or heart or soul of this Russian ballerina. I cannot vouch for them. But she is the ideal I wish I approached for me to consider myself beautiful or graceful. And I'm so far short of it....)

Well, so you see. That's why I don't think of me as beautiful. I have an ideal as well for my inner self and how it should be -- but I can't give you a picture of it I'm afraid.Only I fall quite short of that as well.... Just as far short of that as of physically achieving anything like unto Polina's grace.

And besides, there are many more girls out there prettier than me. Smarter. Funnier. Sexier. Skinnier. Any superlative-er. It's why I never thought he'd be interested in me -- he can certainly do much better. I try, and I love myself just as I am even with how I'm not perfect -- but there are definitely many girls out there who will always be more than me. Any adjective that's what a guy is seeking. And unless osmoen is seeking my sort of crazy, my sort of quixotic mix, well, then why WOULD you be interested in me? When you can find a girl better at any given category you're using for a rubric? And I'd rather someone have what they actually want than make do with me and all my myriad imperfections... It's why I'll always tell you "so go" and not fight for you to stay with me when you want anything, or anyone, other than me. Because I figure you want it because it's better by your standards than I am.

I don't WANT to be Polina, nor anyone else. I love me qua me. And I've never asked anything else of anyone else -- only to love me for the meness of me.But I can see how others are better, though I do my best to be a more perfect and cleaner and more beautiful version of myself. Still I recognize that there are others better, and if you prefer them over me qua me, then I want you to have them.I'm only for those who want ME, how I don't reach my ideals as much as what little I achieve in my striving to be the best version of me I can be.

Ballerinas. At our best, we're never good enough for own ideals....but maybe someday I'll find someone who love me even as I am -- never quite as perfect as I try to be and all.... Even with all my words. And I come with a damn lot of words any time you make the mistake of presenting me a blank page to scribble upon.... In case you hadn't noticed. ;)

Until then, I have things to do at home and eventually sleep and plans for tomorrow! :D

[Post Title: lyric from Castle on a Cloud from Les Mis.]
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