Admittedly, I need to trim down these recaps this season. I just babble on and on and all of a sudden this shit is 3000 words. However, this episode is impossible to trim down because I need to list out all of these girls so we can keep them straight. Oh and also, so I can tear them apart. I'm not really a mean person but it's just SO easy.
Anyway, the episode starts with Juan P running around half naked. We get it, he has nipples. He also keeps saying that he's taking a risk by being here. How in god's name is this risky? You get to bang 20 chicks while traveling the world for free. You don't even have to end the series with an engagement. So how is this risky? The only real risk here is inheriting a stalker or herpes. Oh wait, there is one other risk - that deathtrap of a swing set in his LA house. And his parents get to come to LA for free? How awesome! I bet they're bummed they have to babysit that damn kid.
Sean comes to visit Juan P and the only memorable thing is that god-awful polka dot shirt.
SOME OF THE BITCHES
As Smitty says, let's get to know some of the ladies:
CHELSIE, 24, SCIENCE EDUCATOR, COLUMBUS, OHIO
Ummm does that mean she's a science teacher? Does she think educator makes her sound smarter than teacher? It's going to take a lot more than a new title for me to be convinced you're not a dingbat, lady. She comments that the right guy hasn't come along yet. You know why? You're fucking 24.
RENEE, 32, REAL ESTATE AGENT, SARASOTA, FLORIDA
She likes to rollerblade, blah blah blah. The only thing that matters here, is that she's a single mother and believe me, the Bachelor people will beat that into our heads repeatedlyforever.
ANDI, 26, ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY, ATLANTA, GEORGIA
I don't believe for one second she has stepped foot into an actual courtroom. Besides not actually being a lawyer, she seems kind of ballsy and normal. Maybe a total bitch but I can get on board with that. And hot, so she's a frontrunner.
AMY, 31, MASSAGE THERAPIST, LOS ANGELES
She is certifiably insane, and her face is quite wide. Also, she needs to stop pressing so hard when she massages because her arms and shoulders look like the terminator. I bet she has an orgasm every time she rubs someone.
Wouldn't you like this every morning, Juan Pablo?
NIKKI, 26, PEDIATRIC NURSE, KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI
She seems cute and sweet, but my god, she's young. At 26, she's not the youngest but she seems like it. Maybe because she says, "I don't want that head-over-heels feeling for just a few weeks, but I want it forever." HOW has nobody explained this to her yet? That feeling doesn't last forever. Yes, you can be in love forever, but I don't have butterflies when I see my husband shitting with the bathroom door open.
LAUREN, 25, MINERAL COORDINATOR, OKLAHOMA
SO much to discuss here. But let's start with "mineral coordinator". What the fuck is that? I picture her sitting at a table sorting rocks for the local high school's geology class. And her fiancwho just called her at work to dump her? Something tells me we're not getting the entire story here. Also, my ass she's 25.
VALERIE, 26, PERSONAL TRAINER, SUTTER, CALIFORNIA
She says, "Not only am I pretty, but I'm not afraid to file these things down and scratch some eyeballs." What the hell does that mean? If you want to scratch eyeballs, why file your nails first? Then it's just a dull scratch, which would be more like a poke in the eye. That's annoying but a lot less threatening than a scratch on the cornea. Also she's a horse person. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, unless you're a HORSE PERSON. I get the feeling she's way too involved with her horses.
LACY, 25, NURSING HOME OWNER, LA JOLLA, CALIFORNIA
There's always one chick in the bunch that I REALLY want to make fun of, but I can't because she's a WAY better person than I will ever be. She was raised in a family filled with kids with special needs and then opens up nursing homes. She might as well be a fucking nun. I can't compete with that. Oh but she does say, " You're not completely dressed without a smile on your face." Fuck you.
CLARE, 32, HAIRSTYLIST, SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA
Inexplicably, she's part Mexican. Her dad died tragically of brain cancer and made a DVD for her future husband to watch. Stop it! Are you trying to break me down?? That shit is tragic. Please God don't show it on TV. Anyway, she's cute and normal-ish but something tells me there is a totally crazy twenty-year-old girl hiding in there somewhere. I bet we see it in a few weeks.
LIMO ARRIVALS
Here we go. Holy crap this is too many girls.
AMY L., 27, LOCAL NEWS REPORTER, ORLANDO
I didn't have to see the title to know she was a news reporter. Probably a meteorologist. Waaaay too perky for me. But cute and maybe normal.
CASSANDRA, 21, FORMER NBA DANCER, MICHIGAN
So we only know what she was before? A "former" dancer? What the fuck does she do now? If I was on this show and it was an option to have anything we USED to do as the option, I could go by "Jen F., 38, Former high school volleyball player" or "Jen F., 38, Former whore in college". Anyway, this marks my first under-the-sofa moment. She has super awkward pauses as they greet each other. I totally blame Juan P for this. He needs to be the man-host here and make things comfortable. He seems CRAZY uncomfortable with this whole thing. Also, she's 21??? That should be illegal for her to be on this show. 21? My god, she's a puppy.
CHRISTY, 24, MARKETING MANAGER, CHICAGO
Normalish, but like most of these girls, there's something a little plastic-y about her. A bunch of these chicks have definitely had nose jobs. Anyway, she's a Marketing Manager, which is code for 24-year-old host at the Cheesecake Factory.
CHRISTINE, 23, POLICE SUPPORT SPECIALIST, MIAMI
Ummm, what is a Police Support Specialist? I will assume she gives lots of policeman blowjobs. Oh my god, that was horrible of me. So rude. OK I highly doubt she has a legitimate job but I'm sure she's not a complete whore. She gives Juan P a bracelet to give to Camila. On the back, it's engraved, "From your new mommy. Don't let your daddy tell you otherwise."
NIKKI, 26, PEDIATRIC NURSE, KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI
See above. Upon arrival she pulls out a stethoscope, which thrills Juan P because he gets an excuse to look directly at her boobs.
KAT, 29, MEDICAL SALES REP, SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA
She's a dancer who makes him salsa dance, which makes me hate her. Apparently, she smells good.
CHANTEL, 27, ACCOUNT MANAGER, SAN DIEGO
OK I'm sure I'll get some hate mail about this comment but here goes. She's black which is great, but I'd like there to be some REAL black girls on the show, if you know what I mean. That's all I'm going to say.
VICTORIA, 24, LEGAL ASSISTANT, BOCA RATON, FLORIDA
Sorry, no idea who this is.
LUCY, 24, FREE SPIRIT, SANTA BARBARA
I hate her I hate her I hate her. No shoes? That's just impractical and unsafe. And no makeup? I get it, you're soooo natural, but you'd look better with some mascara. Just sayin'.
DANIELLE, 25, PSYCHIATRIC NURSE, ST LOUIS, MISSOURI
She's also black I think? She seems normal-ish. A tad boring.
LAUREN S., 26, MUSIC COMPOSER, AUSTIN, TEXAS
Oh no, what the fuck is that? She's on a bike piano? This is why the Bachelor producers are a bunch of assholes. She was probably like, "Hey I'm a music composer, maybe I could play the piano on night one?" And they were like, "Sounds good, maybe you could do it at your introduction out of the limo." And she agrees and then at the final hour they say, "Sorry, all we could find was this bike piano, solely designed to humiliate you, mmmmkay?" She finishes her not-awesome solo and then claims she was so nervous but she really wanted to show Juan P that music was her passion. Why? You can just tell him that sometime. You don't need the bike piano.
CHELSIE, 24, SCIENCE EDUCATOR, COLUMBUS, OHIO
Under-the-sofa moment number two. "Let's do an experiment! I'm not a scientist but I make play volcanoes with three year-olds so I'm kind of a scientist! HERE TAKE THIS TUBE! Wait, maybe instead don't take it. Let's make chemistry." What the fuck was that? He barely speaks English, he's certainly not going to understand your puns.
VALERIE, 26, PERSONAL TRAINER, SUTTER, CALIFORNIA
I'm going to say it. What's up with her teeth?
ELISE, 27, FIRST GRADE TEACHER, PENNSYLVANIA
She..walks.veryslowly .
ASHLEY, 25, GRADE SCHOOL TEACHER, DALLAS, TEXAS
She talks very breathy but has rocket legs. Snooze, are we done yet?
CLARE, 32, HAIRSTYLIST, SACRAMENTO
She pretends she's pregnant and I mean, if there's ONE thing guys find funny it's pretending to be pregnant! Hahahaha!! HAHAHAH.
ALLI, NANNY, 26, CHICAGO
She comes out of the limo with a soccer ball and fake soccer shoes. Those are Sambas, right? They're like the soccer shoes we ALL had because they're cute, not because we actually played soccer. Wear some cleats if you want to be taken seriously, soccer girl. Geesh.
AMY, 31, MASSAGE THERAPIST, LOS ANGELES
If I was a dude, I would literally be afraid to bang her. I bet she jumps around, squeals and poops on you. Ohhh I bet Free Spirit does that too. Then rubs it into your skin and says it's earth's nourishment or some weird shit.
RENEE, 32, REAL ESTATE AGENT, SARASOTA, FLORIDA
Definitely a front-runner because she's cute, normal and say it with me A SINGLE MOM. When she walks away from Juan P, he says, "Bye Mama", to which she says under her breath, "Don't ever fucking call me that again."
LAUREN H, 25, MINERAL COORDINATOR, OKLAHOMA
Geology rock sorter. Whatever.
MAGGIE, 24, PERSONAL BANKER, SOUTH CAROLINA
She has a major southern accent and gives him a hook. It's something about fishing, being a catch, I don't know.
KELLY, 27, DOG LOVER, ATLANTA
I get it people, we're all passionate about something. This doesn't mean you have to flaunt it all over the fucking place on night one. At some point, we're definitely going to see footage of her sleeping with her dog, just a tad too intimately.
LACY, 25, NURSING HOME OWNER, LA JOLLA
She has boobs, wow!
ALEXIS, 24, COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, TAMPA
Spanish, very smiley and I mean VERY smiley. Not sure if she has eyes.
KYLIE, 23, INTERIOR DESIGNER, ROCKFORD, ILLINOIS
She's like a character from my daughter's Barbie movies, but not actually Barbie. Lots of pink, red, and pink. Yikes. She's hard to look at.
SHARLEEN, 29, OPERA SINGER, HEIDELBERG, GERMANY
I don't get this chick at all. Is she awesome? A total bitch? A wet blanket? Waaaaay too mature for this show? More to come on her, but I am just thrilled that she didn't sing opera for him. That earns major points for me.
ANDI, 26, ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY, ATLANTA, GEORGIA
We already discussed her. She's hot, smart and normal. Maybe a first rate bitch, but maybe not. Stay tuned.
COCKTAIL PARTY
OK So that's all of them. Wow. Overall, Juan P seems super awkward and uncomfortable, and the ladies are a mix of pretty, way overdone, and the certifiably insane. Here are some highlights from the cocktail party:
* Free Spirit puts her disgusting feet on top of Juan P while they chat. Seriously you are gross.
* Amy massages Juan P and it quickly becomes under-the-sofa moment number three. She then claims she could wake up next to him everyday for the rest of her life. YOU JUST FUCKING MET HIM. AN HOUR AGO.
* Elise's mom died recently which sucks. She says that her mom guided her to find the right guy, and that guy is Juan Pablo, so she's grateful. Are these chicks delusional? They have a 1 in 25 chance of winning, which doesn't take into account the fact that you MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY LIKE HIM. I'd totally hump Juan P but I'm certain I couldn't live with him forever.
* Oh lord, the rock sorter is coming apart at the seams. She's crying, saying this process brought up all sorts of insecurities. OMG She is so not ready to date, let alone get married. Someone call a therapist stat. Also, when discussing the fact she was brutally dumped, she claims she had a lot of pride. It's fair to say she can kiss that goodbye.
* Rock Sorter is still crying. Now she says that she wants him to see the good energy she has and the asset she could be. Lady, get a grip. You have crazy shit energy right now, and he's not interviewing administrative assistants that will be a real asset to his fake sports company. You're not an asset, you're a person. Chill out, have a drink, get some therapy and a new job, and it'll all be OK.
* Andi tells him she's a lawyer. He groans and says, "Uggggh, you must read a lot." I'm not sure I've ever known a guy who wants his wife to read less. What's weirder is that she tries to make him feel better by assuring him she doesn't read that much. These people live in an alternate universe, I swear.
* He chats with Opera Singer Sharleen. He claims she surpasses the others in terms of elegance (well that's true, but my new laser printer is probably more elegant than most of these assholes). She, however, claims the connection seemed forced. He gives her the first impression rose which she almost refuses, and then seems totally unexcited about. Juan P says he knows she'll sleep well tonight. It dawns on me here that he has probably never, ever, ever been dumped or even turned down. That's terrifying. I can't imagine what my self-image would be if I'd never been dumped or turned down and everyone wanted to bang me. I think I would feel invincible like I could conquer the world. Whoa that's scary.
ROSE CEREMONY
Good ol' pissy pants Sharleen has the first impression rose. The others go to:
Clare - Fake pregnant girl. HAHAHA so funny.
Nikki - 16-year-old nurse.
Renee - Single mom. Single mom. Single mom. Did you hear me? Single mom.
Andi - Lawyer who reads.
Alli - Fake soccer playing Nanny
Chantel - token black girl
Lauren S - Piano biker
Kelly - Girl who loves dogs. And I mean loooooves dogs.
Cassandra - Former dancer, and former 20-year-old who is JUST able to drink legally at the party. Danielle - don't know, don't care.
Chelsie - Really annoying science education-based-something
Kat - He said Kat, not Kylie, bitch. Step off.
Victoria - Legal assistant? No idea.
Christy - Host at the Cheesecake Factory who looks wackier as the night goes on and her makeup fades.
Lucy - Free Spirit. She will only go by free spirit. There is no way on god's green earth that Juan P will end up with her. No way.
Elise - slooooow ..walker.
Amy L - Way too enthusiastic news reporter.
Therefore, the following chicks are sent home:
Kylie - That's right, he didn't call your name. She was raunch-city.
Amy - The creepy masseuse. He didn't choose her for his own safety.
Lauren - Weepy, unstable rock sorter.
Alexis - Cute and smiley. How is she eliminated before free spirit?
Maggie - Personal banker? Who?
Lacy - Nursing home owner with boobs.
Ashley - Grade school teacher in the short dress.
Valerie - I guess we won't see her poking people in the eyeballs with her dull fingers after all.
Christine - Police support person. Back to blow jobs at the precinct.
Of course, the eliminated chicks are losing their minds, which is seriously baffling. It's BEEN THREE HOURS since you met him. STOP IT. The only legitimate reason to cry right now is that somehow, Juan P wants to hang out with Free Spirit more than you.
OK See you guys next week!
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