I dedicate this and all of my other writings about my late sweetheart Tom to him and his family members and other loved ones, some of whom continue to witness and/or support my art/work, and therefore life, even after his passing. I also dedicate my writings about Tom to those who identify with certain traits of his and think they might've liked the guy (which I've shared privately with current friends and lovers), to those who have lost loved ones, those who attempt spiritual mediumship/afterlife communication, and/or those who work hard at what they love, and play and especially love even harder.
Tom loved to read my writing and was always checking me out on Facebook. Although he never said the words, "You're a really good writer," he thirsted for my words as he did my essence and one of my fondest memories is seeing his reading glasses on top of a pile of my chapbooks on a shelf in his bathroom. He only kept one book in there, usually, and he savored whatever he was reading.
Tom was so into savoring things. He was like a pig and like me. Did you know that unlike dogs, pigs chew and savor their food? Did you know that their orgasms are 30 minutes long? Multi-orgasmic Amrita Waterfalls loves to be like a pig and I go for hours, not minutes. The first night with Tom lasted 5hours, and that was him giving me pleasure. It was love at first everything, and four years later, he went to be with his Lord and travel and adventure and see his mom and sister and be free again of anything that held him down or hurt him. We met in July 2009 and he transitioned in March 2013.
After his passing, I cried so much, because I missed him and I missed the help and comfort and companionship he brought to my life.
Over time, it became less painful to think of him, but I still felt I needed to cry to feel closer to him. Then, over more time, I realized it wasn't "high" to feel pain or to cry. In my spiritual mediumship studies I'd learned that our grief keeps our loved ones from making contact with us. I didn't care at first because I knew it was physically healthy to express grief so soon after losing Tom to the heart condition he told me on our first date that he had.
But over time, being stronger, I was able to recall all I'd read about the importance of feeling joy. Then I remembered how much Tom was about playing, and lightness, and me "relaxing". He was always trying to get me to relax, and he was always playing. He worked hard, too. Very hard, and made a very good living and was very proud of his home which he made a very serious effort to keep till the end of his life.
(I'm so happy knowing he's smiling at my writing about him!)
Sometimes I felt sad that I couldn't "feel" Tom nor get direct messages from him.
The first major breakthrough I had in trying to sense his spirit was when I realized that rather than come from a place of lack, neediness, sadness, and fear (all the opposite of love), how about I come a place of fullness, hope, and giving instead of taking? I decided instead of looking for him to give me a sign and reassurance that he was okay and still loving, caring about, and protecting me in his manly, barrel-chested, sexy voiced, gentle-handed, soft brown-eyed, 6'5" 250 lb way, I decided instead to flip the switch and let HIM know I was around. That I still cared, still adored and cherished him and was always going to be here for him, in this life and the next and the next as we had many times before, I was sure. Immediately making that change in my mind made all the difference.
Another awesome thing happened recently. I was suddenly struck with the worrisome and frightening thought, "What if his spirit is totally gone forever from me?"
That was so scary, I immediately recognized it as devil-speak, and rebuked it with the replacement of good-feeling LOVE. It wasn't true that he was gone.
Then I had a needy thought, "But I want to feel him near me. I need him to be near." Then I had thought, "I'd rather he be totally free and that I never have contact from him again, if I know he's totally happy." The instant I had that thought Whoooosh I felt him not only connect with me, but plant himself deep in my heart! Letting him go brought him to me!
Since then, I know love is the answer. Love is total freedom. Love is not needing, not clinging. Feeling full and whole of yourself. Needing no one and nothing UNLESS you also are giving as much as you are seeking.
I also know his personality was sooo rebellious! I even laughed when I saw his doctor's writing on his form, that Tom had, "A history of non-compliance." I guffawed when I saw that. "Ya think?!" Tom was the King of Non-Compliant! Of course if I am seeking and needing him he may not react nearly as much as if I let him go.
This is different than when I am needing his help in a practical area of my life - then he swoops in and rescues as always.
I don't pray to him or any of my other spirit guides and ancestors as though they are deities. I call upon them for help as I call upon friends and reference materials. They are part of a wide web of networks given to us by the Divine to continue living well.
Here's what I wanted to share with you. I'd been spending so much time feeling joy when I thought of Tom - training myself to go from the place of sadness to a place of happiness and play- as a way to make him happy and relaxed and proud of me. Also to feel him closer to me, that I've been letting go of the material memory of him.
I've removed his name and number from my phone Contacts. I stopped listening to his voicemail messages, because he's no longer "That Guy". He is spirit. He is the spirit of play, of bliss, of relaxation, of passion, of energy, of doing one's joyful chosen work, of playing hard, of erotic pleasure, of friendship, of generosity. His "voice" is the lessons he taught me, and the ways I can still show him I care.
My experience of him is so far out of the material, even in memory now, that when I went to his home, I had no feeling as I did before, to go to the porch and feel and be there. He loved his homestead so much I am sure his spirit still resides there. And because I did a certain ritual on the days after his passing, and because I lived with him, I know parts of my spirit are still there as well.
His car was our most romantic place. Whenever he picked me up, we'd hold hands and have our most intimate conversations. It was very sweet, and I felt like a teenager and I felt like he was a teenager. We kind of were like teenagers in that car. And he drove so well. Driving was one of this things. He drove big ships well, he drove cars well, and if I was lucky enough to be in his pick-up truck with him, well, that counted as foreplay right there!
Anyway, my new friend drove me to the two houses Tom and I were in together. When I saw his car, my fleshly part almost wanted to go touch it. But my spiritual mind remembered that he was gone from that car for me. He and I had a brand new, close and marvelous relationship wherein I feel joy and call him into my space with play. We are embarking upon a new way of being together, one in which as the scriptures say I must know by faith.
Because of my studies, I believe in the power and truth of my imagination. I believe in love and good feelings. I believe those things are true. So, because it feels good to me to believe that Tom and I are still together in spirit, I know it's true. And whenever my intellect, which is atheist, tells me I'm being silly, I thank it for expressing itself and remind it that it has really no effect in my feeling on this! It doesn't matter whether or not Tom's spirit is actually near me and reading this as I write it. What matters is that I believe it is, because it feels good to do so. And I believe it also because I sometimes imagine he is there wanting me to know he's there, and I would hate to not believe in him while he's there seeking to connect with me.
So, again, I walk into the unknown of Spirit, trusting Love with a smile on my face. The smile Love put there In the Beginning. :-)
[Helpful Hint: If someone you love has died and you are feeling sad one night, close your eyes and imagine the best case scenario. Take from any spiritual beliefs or lessons you've learned, pick the ones that you like the most, and imagine they're true. Stick to the ones that feel the best to you, and let the rest go. As you get better at this, you'll be able to have much happier thoughts about your loved one, and go to sleep knowing they'll be visiting you in your dreams.
See my related article, "Love Never Dies: Afterlife Communication with Deceased Loved Ones" at .]
Make yourself a beautiful day! Cassendre Xavier
(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls)
"renaissance negresse & ARTrepreneur" (musician/writer/actress/fine artist) founder & director of the , and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series
6 CDs at CD Baby:
2 CDs on iTunes:
Wisdom Magazine articles:
Official YouTube Channel:
New website coming soon!
Become a Patron of the renaissance negresse today!