Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Conflicted.

What to do what to do? With my life, I mean. I never thought I'd say I don't know what I want to do anymore. I thought it was great coming to college knowing 100% what my passion was and where I wanted to go from there. I practiced countless hours of viola, studied music like it was my job, and was so ready to head onto music school. After a full year and a half of music school, and a summer abroad, I have been thinking. I cannot get myself to make any ultimate decision, however. I often think about the possibility of making a mistake, changing my mind again, or just not knowing where to turn. Lately, music school has been frustrating and I am losing interest in it. I know I'm not the first person. It's frustrating for me, and now my mom is pressuring me reminding me "it was your dream!" and "we put so much money into your instruments and lessons!" But people really change, right? Can I still have this musical passion alongside something else? I'm hit with a roadblock. I can't bring myself to end this life of Music Education study. Furthermore, I can't simply add on another major or a minor because my school doesn't offer what I want to do. Transfer? Yeah, but I absolutely love my college so much and can't imagine leaving. I have met so many people recently who are doing exactly what I want to do, and who are living my newly found dreams. A once interest of mine has become something I am yearning to do and fulfill. They say studying abroad changes you and is eye-opening and life-changing. Damn right it is. I'm realizing there's more the world has to offer me. I'm also realizing I want to dive into that world more. Something like International Studies, or, is that too vague? International Business or Communication is risky, because I should be fully engaged and indulged in the business and/or communications field. Foreign language? As if. If only my school offered Korean language. I have studied for a few years, and my goal before I die is to be fluent. Asian Studies? East Asian Studies? Korean Studies? Ithaca doesn't have that. We don't even have Asian studies. And if I take International classes, they are more European-focused, which irritates me. Yes, I am interested to learn more about Europe and other continents not in my knowledge, but my primary focus and interest, apparently unlike everyone else, is Eastern Asia, more specifically Korea. People say, why don't you spend a semester there? My answer, sadly, is "I can't, I'm a music major." I feel so pathetic saying that. THIS IS THE LIFE I CHOSE. THE LIFE I WANTED. I AM STUDYING MUSIC. I LOVE MUSIC. Why is it a burden suddenly? I guess because I want to study not-music in Korea.I want to study its language and culture, and its affairs with the world. My other problem? Unlike many of my friends I've encountered, money has always been an issue and I can't just hop on a plane as I pleased. If I had the means, I would have visited Korea more than once, and probably stepped foot in Europe and Africa. I am very open-minded and determined. I am always willing and interested to learn new things. I love cultures and languages. I am so happy to be fully active in the international community at Ithaca as an American student. I had a wonderful opportunity studying in Korea last summer. Why am I so unhappy? Because I feel conflicted, unfulfilled, and confused? Another part of me wants to just set all of this aside, tell myself I'm living in a fantasy Korea-land and am just missing it too much, and snap back to reality. Learn to refocus. Love viola and music again. Dive back into music education. It's harder nowadays, somehow. Yet, when I am watching my teachers teach, or performing on stage with orchestra, everything comes back to me and I see that i still have that drive and passion.



I know I can have more than one passion in life, but perhaps I just want to do too much than is possible. I need to learn what are my passions, my interests, my hobbies, and my goals. Learn the difference. What will I make a career out of? What do I love? What do I like? What can I see myself doing for the rest of my life? And, what makes me happy?




Wow.
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