Friday, September 27, 2013

The habits of a loner

Picked up an organ donation card from the district health care centre today. Thought it might be good to keep one of those in my wallet. I have registered online for that and told my mother about my wish as well, but just to be certain or something. It's like my family is frowning at me for talking about that sort of stuff, but the thing is I really could die from suicide any day. I always have that in the back of my mind, and I gotta be prepared for the possibility that I might die soon. And I think that is a good thing, that I'm at least taking some responsibility for that. Whether it be organ donation, my will or funeral plans. Though it is a little weird thinking about that stuff, feels unreal somehow.

Other than that, I'm collecting beautiful English words on a list in my cell phone. So far I've got:

* sovereign (sj lvst ndig or h rskare)

* downtrodden (nedtrampad)

* fanciful ( ventyrlig)

* hindsight ((i) efterhand)

* seep (sippra)

* sift (leta igenom, s lla)

* solace (tr st)

* ambivalence (ambivalens)

* daunting (skr mmande, avskr ckande)

* insipid (intets gande, smakl s, banal)

* vivid (livlig)

* disdain (f rakt)

* whimsical (r rig, i oordning)

* livid (likblek)

* altercation (gr l)

* sobriety (nykterhet)

* murmuring (mummel, mumlande)

I bought chocolate cupcakes yesterday, cause I just started to really miss chocolate. They're very tasty but also very filling. Other than that I'm not up to very much at all nowadays. Except writing, cutting myself and hanging on tumblr. There's a lot of cutting, I'm afraid. Around four or five times a day, usually two lacerations per occasion. It's like I'm dosing it like medication. As soon as the wounds have closed up and stopped stinging I'm at it again. Perhaps I should make them sting a little longer so I won't have to do it so much and so often. Creative solutions to something I shouldn't be doing at all. I wish I had enough motivation to stop, but I put it up as a goal in the future. At least I now have the wish to stop, that's gotta count as something, right?

Oh, and yes, I was awake for 42 hours until I finally could fall asleep at 2.00 am and slept for seven hours before I had to get up and take my shot of testosterone at the district health care centre. Apparently it only took me five minutes to walk there from home. My apartment is so conveniently located in Hemse it's absurd. The building itself does not belong to LSS, only a few apartments in it (three I think), which makes me one of very few who has very close to their office, which is the next building, or perhaps 50 meters. I have even closer to the laundry room/house. Five minutes away from the district health care centre, and twenty minutes away from the grocery stores and all the other stores that are located along the same street. Fifteen minutes away from my School (I obviously don't go there now, but will in the nearest future. Hemse is by the way also Gotland's second largest district, next to Visby of course.

I can't find my embroidering yarns. When I finally have found and bought everything for starting to make some embroideries, I lose the fucking yarns. I've been looking in every corner, bag, box, drawer, and other furniture and turned my whole apartment upside down and inside out but it's nowhere to be found. Just gone. I'm not even angry about it anymore, I've given up. It's simply not here. Either they're at my parents where I have no recollection of ever bringing them, mistakenly thrown into the trash or stolen.

I know it's silly to consider theft an option, but it's just how I'm wired. I always think someone steals all my shit I cannot find. My solution? Buy some more. Next time in Visby I'll have a look in the animal shelter's for cats second hand store, they always have some of that for sale. Thing is, I can't even sketch up a pattern before I know which colours I can use. Though I could probably use normal yarn that I split in thinner parts or layers of sewing thread, but it's just not the same thing, and too much damn work. Or maybe I'll just fucking do that, cause I'm fed up with waiting to start. It's been like a year since I started collecting materials! Fuck this shit! I call myself creative for a reason, I think I can figure out a way to make it work.
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