Monday, October 21, 2013

Film Review: HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION (2002, Rick Rosenthal)

Stars: 1 of 5.

Running Time: 94 minutes.

Notable Cast and Crew: Jamie Lee Curtis (HALLOWEEN, PERFECT, PROM NIGHT, TERROR TRAIN), Busta Rhymes (SHAFT '00, NARC), Tyra Banks (THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR, COYOTE UGLY), Ryan Merriman (FINAL DESTINATION 3, THE RING TWO), Sean Patrick Thomas (THE FOUNTAIN, CRUEL INTENTIONS), Bianca Kajlich (10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, BRING IT ON), and Brad Loree (X2, THE X-FILES). Archival footage of Donald Pleasence. Based on characters by John Carpenter and Debra Hill. Screenplay by Larry Brand (BACKFIRE, OVEREXPOSED) and Sean Hood (the new CONAN THE BARBARIAN, CUBE 2: HYPERCUBE). Directed by Rick Rosenthal (HALLOWEEN II).

Tag-line: "The night HE came back!"

Best one-liner: "Trick or treat, motherfucker!" or maybe it's the poetry of "Let the dangertainment begin.... up in this motherfucker." Or perhaps "You want some of this? Huh? You want to try and fucking kill me? Huh? You like sushi, motherfucker?!"

Oh, goodness gracious me.Hoo boy, and the whole kitten ka-boodle.Talk about Poor Man's Carpy-HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION is a pile of hilarious post-SCREAM trash, bundled in embarrassment, smothered in clich , and repackaged for the era of reality TV (a company called "Dangertainment" is working on a Haddonfield reality series- and attempts at SCREAM-style self-awareness are cringeworthy).In comparison, this thing almost makes HALLOWEEN: H20 look like HALLOWEEN.Hell, even the poster feels the weight of this shame and would rather fool you into thinking you're looking at Ghostface instead of the tattered legacy of Michael Myers.

Consequently, I'm going to keep it brief: so here are three things that I absolutely never could have conceived of happening in a HALLOWEEN flick:

#1.Jamie Lee Curtis re-imagined as Sarah Connor in TERMINATOR 2.They don't even try to disguise it- she's a stringy-haired, crazy-eyed badass mental patient who warns her captors in vain about an unstoppable killing machine she managed to defeat before (through tenacity and luck) and who may now be on the prowl again.Michael Myers, predictably, shows up to kill her and Laurie Strode is given a rather ignominious send-off before the movie even begins.I realize it's a hackneyed "badass" one-liner, but why would Laurie Strode think she's going to hell?

Well... she gave it her best shot.And, dammit, if anyone deserves $3 million for an extended cameo, it's Jamie Lee Curtis!

#2.This one is so bizarre, it defies easy description.What we have here is Michael Myers stabbing one of his victims with a sharpened tripod, a clear homage to one of the great-grandaddies of the slasher movie- Michael Powell's .1960's PEEPING TOM.


Anyway, this in and of itself wouldn't necessarily be worthy of mention- but here, it's only a crosscut backdrop to another scene:that of Tyra Banks making a whipped cream latte and rocking out with a spazzified solo dance like she's Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkeley) in that SAVED BY THE BELL episode where she gets addicted to caffeine pills and performs "I'm So Excited."In short, while it sure as hell doesn't belong in a HALLOWEEN movie, it's certainly deserving of a slow clap.

#3.In the original HALLOWEEN (which J.D. over at Radiator Heaven ), there's a brilliant Donald Pleasence monologue which attempts to tackle the true nature of Michael Myers in just a few brief, ominous lines:"I met him, fifteen years ago; I was told there was nothing left; no reason, no conscience, no understanding; and even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, of good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes....I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil."Well, in HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION, Busta Rhymes is tasked with transcending Donald Pleasence's assessment, and while his monologue is certainly more succinct, I think we all must admit that it doesn't exude the proper... atmosphere.

So, apparently Doctor Loomis spent eight years trying to reach Michael, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because he realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... a killer shark in baggy-ass overalls.

And that's about all there is to say about that, ladies and gentlemen!

-Sean Gill
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