I don't complain about it very often. I know a lot of people with worse. As a matter of fact I just finished reading friend Shane's blog about his latest bout with type 1 diabetes, and thought "Well shit. I can't compete with that.", but reminded myself that it's not a competition. We all have our crosses to bear. Mine happens to be a 20 year long struggle with anxiety.
I woke up this morning feeling back to normal. The past three days I've felt like crawling out of my skin. I haven't had a three day bender like that for many years. I remember the last time I just sat in a chair twitching, crying, feeling sorry for myself, feeling depressed, helpless, and sad. I tried going to work, but had to leave. I wasn't any use to anyone. And I hate the feeling of uselessness. Which of course just perpetuates the cycle of anxiety. This time I forced myself through my daily routine; eased up on the caffeine intake, and just tried staying as distracted as possible. Had a vivid, intense, yet very cool dream, and woke up at six in the morning refreshed, and feeling back to my old self.
I like to think that now I'm 40, and my body is starting to change - vision, hearing, more grey hair, achy joints, etc ... that this roller coaster is coming to an end. Maybe this unwelcome passenger was saying goodbye. Maybe by not succumbing to it I was able to defeat it. I like to think that.
Ahead of me was an ever-changing scenery as far as the eye could see. Imagine if you took every amazing landscape you've ever seen on the Internet and laid them out in front of you in infinite space. There was also a single path in front of me, but it changed as well. Sometimes it was a stone walkway. Other times a dirt path. A sidewalk, a street, a brick lane, and a cobblestone drive. I experienced it all at a pace slightly faster than real time. There were people from all walks of life around me cheering me on. There was a group of small, Asian children, and a Sadhu dressed in orange with a scraggly beard. There were hot air balloons in the sky. Thunder clouds in the distance, snow on the mountain peaks, and fruit in the trees around me. But for every step I took forward everything collapsed into a dark void below and behind.
That was my dream. At least that's all I can remember.
And that's were I'll start this little blog of mine. For the past year I've been wanting to start writing about my life and my experiences. A sort of a memoir. Something that I can look back, and dissect. Pick apart, shake my head in disgust, laugh, and hopefully feel good about. And maybe in another 20 years I'll start chapter two.
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