headed home

(Aug. 4th 2013)



I'm not one to admit, or confess to enjoying dramas, tv series, or movies in general..


I've always put emphasis on 'being on the go,' 'staying in motion'

of actively pursuing dreams I wished to see fruits brought into tangibility

and I just didn't see how watching a screen could fit into the fast-paced lifestyle I wanted to architect.



And.. I've come to realize my flaws in being overtly critical and echoing negativity, had a lot to do with shaping the though process laid out above.



These recent months, a lot of times in disappointment or frustration at life's events,

occasionally I gave in and out for the day, crumpled on my bed.. wrapped up in my sheets

away from the cold-ness of the world.. haha

and pulled up the list of free Korean movies on Hulu (yayy).



I know, sounds pretty exclusive and selective, maybe even narrow-minded picking only 'Korean movies'

but I pick movies because dramas go on, and on, and on.. and no body got time for that!

and Korean, because I think intuitively I've come to realize.. a lot of the story lines, characters, the way they think, their dreams and pursuits, interests, their specific struggles for being who they are, how life unfolds for them

holds my story too.



Culturally, at some point I had rejected the parts of me that had been shaped by the ever 'immigrant' 'foreigner to America' 'quiet' Korean background. In college, I had a difficult time finding that group of people who would just get me, that I could let down my hair with, people I could feel infinite with. And when I finally did, they were non-Koreans, but friends I had connected with through the medium of dance. Of breathing in the show-making process, creating choreography, practicing into the A.M.s, holding a collective passion for an art, a culture of consistent movement, of revealing ourselves, being vulnerable and truthful, learning each other's unique body languages and building each other up and upholding a community..a legacy.



I'm not proud to say, but this was part of the reason for turning my face away from my cultural heritage.

Having finally found something, qualities that I upheld looked up to, was passionate for,

I disliked the past I came from for lacking in these positivities. Koreans were known to be exclusive, withdrawn, obsessed with beauty to the point where plastic surgery is a frequent norm, sometimes lazy and content with staying in all day with nothing but the computer, passive aggressive, ineffective, lacking in communication, short-fused tempers, the crazy Korean girl whom you shouldn't date if you want to keep your sanity, women still a second class, socially awkward, lacking depth under the powder/lipstick/the wealth/degree, socially restricting and judgemental..



Not only that, when I got into my first relationship ever (he was non-Korean as well), I questioned the legitimacy of my parents 'love.' I felt that they had just settled for each other; it had been an arranged marriage, and they had only been dating for two weeks. I pinned the inadequacies I felt in feeling loved or being able to love someone, for having a start in a marriage that was not formed in love. I was in a sense, blinded by the cultural gap.. between American independence and focus on individualistic gain, and the Eastern emphasis on collectivism, 'taking one for the group', sacrificing your dreams to make your parents/community happy (my mother's ultimate dating choice was in par with her parents preferences).



(these days I do try to keep my negativity in check, but here and there it still overflows)



But,

in modeling,

in embracing that which I had once rejected, of highlighting superficial beauty, I've learned, fallen, been disappointed, gotten back up again, inflated with ego and then deflated with reality, been confused, gained understanding, and have gained insight.. experience. And maybe, a bit gentler outlook and regard for my Korean face. Sometimes I feel like my soft voice cannot be heard here where I am, and whatever I pursue (graphic tees business, dancing career, other artistic endeavors) because in that industry it's a lot about who you know, and becoming known.. and for that I need a larger venue and a 'louder' attitude. I want so much to show the world the parts of me that is not readily accessible in person.. for the introvert I am. Hence I've grown into all these outlets such as Youtube to feel free in my singing and choreography videos, in writing poetry on FB and wordpress, drawing out my emotions/depictions of others/life situations through cartoons, in my modeling photography.. Of revealing some truth, strength, and clarity of me that does not meet the eye in person. But I think the desonance between how shy and awkward I can come off in direct interaction compared to how I market myself.. throws people off.



And I know when people see my efforts, they sometimes think I'm not being true to myself, that I'm trying too hard for something I'm not cut out for.. and I doubt myself as well often. It follows along the line of, making all these plans and toiling under the sun.. for what bigger picture? Am I creatiing a positive impact in the community/in the world, or am I am indulging in my American individualistic privileges? To be selfish, and immature for not owning up to the practicality of my college degree, and being a useful member of society.



I recently rewatched a Korean film that re-ignited all these emotions and the urge to write.

'200lb Beauty' I'm sure a lot of you have already seen it; about an overweight, unattractive girl who under-g0es drastic plastic surgery to regain a sense of life and love. She has to disregard and reject her past, the pieces of her that made her an unacceptable 'product' in the superficiality of the entertainment industry. To cover up her identity, she even has to reject her own father.. the manager asks if she knows him, and she answers with 'he's just a fan..' In religious reference, it reminds me of Peter the fisherman's 'denial of three times before the cock crows.' I wonder if this instance, is a page that occurs again and again in different histories in the story of humanity.. the need of people to cover up the parts of themselves that others persecute, criticize. The basis of make-up, of Superman vs. Lewis Clark, of Iron man needing his suit, the Wizard of Oz and his grand shows, of the business man with a sharp suit and tie, degrees, job titles, relationship titles, a packed schedule.. because being human can be considered so 'ugly' sometimes.



(Sorry i write in so many lists, no I'm not sorry this is who I am! haha jk)



Anyhow, this is where I am in my mind at the moment.

Headed home tommorow morning for vacation; I haven't seen my family in eight months!
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