Sunday

By some sheer stroke of luck, I managed to find both TB and SP, both in UK and Spain respectively and they both spent some time with me.



In the same morning, EV was going through some major quarrels with her to be boyfriend and she was going on and on about the problem.




The problem is so ridiculous that I had a good relook at their relationship and wondered how it projected on me.



I have this tendency not to say what mean when I am angry.And usually only to my partner.So basically I could sort of understand why her bftb was upset because she had a whole list of plans ahead of her and he felt that when he was free she wasn't available.He would frequently get upset when she didn't plan her time with him, or placed other people above her time with him.He felt that he was not part of her plans.

From my friend's perspective, being able to live her own life is equally important but I kind of think that she is also a bit hard on him because she talks down slightly on him, looking at the messages she shows me.



Living in relationships seem to be so complex, and the me of now (low esteem due to so many failures recently) that I begin to doubt myself of any capability for anything in life.



Like this afternoon, I texted WX and ST and tried to be a more cheerful of myself, because like what TB and SP said, be that lovely and wonderful person that he fell in love with, and do that for myself and my relationships around me.In the week that passed I had snapped at so many people and were sometimes silent because I felt that I was not a priority to anybody in this world.I looked at the posession of funeral one evening and actually thought to myself that if I died, nobody would really mourn or feel sad for me.It was that bad so imagine my interaction with other people.



ST asked whether anyone would even buy my mattress that has been used and all along I was pretty confident that someone would buy it.When he made that statement, it seemed so obvious that I started to think that I am stupid.



Or there are other discussions I had with friends or colleagues recently that kept reinforcing how unworthy I was in intelligence and that maybe I am really so stupid that no one would offer me scholarships or whatever.When the prof from San Fran Uni emailed me, I shocked myself by not really knowing what to answer him at all.



So here you go, I am feeling ridiculous.All the activities that held me since I got home in 2011 and handling both my major breakup and new managerial role at work have collapsed with the confusion after C came to Singapore.I gave up everything overnight, something I never ever dreamt of and forbade myself to do when I was dating Kx.So when he left (singapore) and left (me), I felt that my world really crashed.My band had left me out of performance, sometimes saying unkind words like "so why are you here peiyi," when I dropped by to watch their practise.And I cant go back to dance, cutting my essential source of single friends to do things with, cut the source of my health regime (air steps which required core muscles building but I found just this afternoon that yoga could achieve that though in a much less interactive and sociable atmosphere).My parents have essentially stopped talking to me about what really matters.I think they are ashamed and also stuck on how to help me.



So living in a city of millions, a place I grew up in, I feel more lonely than ever.

Snaps.



This afternoon I went for a hot yoga class.I found it difficult to hold my body and my legs often gave way.After the lesson, the teacher told me that she thought I was relatively flexible and just need to know the instructions for yoga positions and hold on endurance, it will help me build my core and muscles.I watched her do all the stunts that I couldnt do when I was in air steps, and thought to myself.OK, fine say if I cant do air steps now because of so much scrutiny over my appearance at dance, maybe I can build my core muscles for now.At that thought it seem to make me feel better.



Going to so some errands now.
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